The Millfield Daily Herald, a small-town newspaper serving the 847 residents of Millfield, announced this week that it has officially exhausted all newsworthy events in the community and will begin providing detailed coverage of autumn foliage descent patterns.
Editor-in-Chief Martha Hendricks explained that after covering the annual pie contest, three separate pothole repairs, and Mrs. Peterson’s lost cat (found two days later under her own porch), the paper had no choice but to expand its definition of local news. Tuesday’s front page featured an exclusive interview with a maple leaf that fell near the town fountain, complete with a full-color photo and speculation about its journey from branch to sidewalk.
“People don’t realize how complex leaf-falling really is,” said Hendricks, adjusting her reading glasses while pointing to a detailed weather map showing wind patterns. “Yesterday’s oak leaf from Elm Street took a completely different trajectory than Monday’s birch leaf from the same location. Our readers deserve to know these things.”
The newspaper’s circulation has mysteriously increased by 300% since the leaf coverage began, with neighboring towns reportedly subscribing to stay informed about Millfield’s foliage situation. Next week’s edition promises an exposé on why the leaf outside the post office has remained stationary for three days despite considerable wind.