Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A man’s overly complex dating profile bio has become so self-aware that scientists fear it may collapse into a singularity of existential dread.
Dating and Relationships
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Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Score of Zero Matches After Listing ‘Professional Couch Warmer’ as Career
Local bachelor achieves unprecedented feat of zero dating app matches after six months of what he calls ‘honest self-presentation.’
Local Man Discovers Girlfriend Has Been Secretly Optimizing Their Relationship Using Excel Spreadsheets
A Milwaukee woman’s secret Excel-based approach to relationship management leaves her boyfriend questioning the true meaning of romance and data-driven love.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Balance of Generic Hobbies and Manufactured Vulnerability
Area man spends 400 hours perfecting dating profile that expertly balances generic interests with calculated vulnerability to achieve maximum algorithmic appeal.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A Portland man’s overly introspective dating profile has reportedly collapsed into a black hole of self-awareness, prompting evacuations and concerns from quantum physicists.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Just Screenshot of His Credit Score
A local man has revolutionized his dating success by replacing his bio with a screenshot of his impressive credit score, leading to a 400% increase in matches.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Balance of Confidence and Self-Deprecation, Still Gets No Matches
Marketing coordinator achieves perfect dating profile formula through months of optimization, somehow still manages to repel all potential matches.