Area resident Kevin Marsh, 29, has spent the better part of three weeks constructing an elaborate spreadsheet system designed to definitively answer the question of whether he and his dinner companion Jenna are officially ‘seeing each other,’ sources confirmed Tuesday. The document, which includes tabs labeled ‘Text Response Time Analysis,’ ‘Eye Contact Duration (Weighted by Lighting Conditions),’ and ‘Did She Laugh At My Joke Or Just Being Polite,’ represents what Marsh describes as ‘a purely objective, data-driven approach to an inherently ambiguous social situation.’
The spreadsheet’s crown jewel is a macro that calculates a ‘Relationship Probability Index’ based on seventeen variables, including how many times Jenna has said the word ‘we’ in a sentence and whether she introduced him to her coworker as ‘my friend Kevin’ or simply ‘Kevin.’ According to Marsh, the current RPI sits at 62.3%, which he says is ‘solidly in the yellow zone, trending positive, but not yet actionable.’
Dr. Patricia Hollenbeck, a relationship therapist who was shown the spreadsheet after Marsh brought his laptop to what he believed was a routine checkup, expressed cautious concern. “I’ve seen clients use journals, I’ve seen clients use gut instinct, but I’ve never seen someone build what is essentially a financial forecasting model to determine if a woman likes him back,” Hollenbeck said. “He asked me if I wanted to see the pivot table. I did not.”
Jenna, reached for comment, said she had assumed they were exclusively dating since the second date, when Marsh cried during a viewing of a dog food commercial. She was unaware of the spreadsheet’s existence until a reporter mentioned it, at which point she requested to see Tab 23, titled ‘Does She Actually Like My Dog Or Just Tolerate Him.’ As of press time, Marsh had added a new column tracking this reporter’s visit as a potential confounding variable in his data set.
