Local Man’s Car Now 90% Touchscreen, 10% Vague Sense of Regret
A Dayton man’s new sedan has replaced every button with a touchscreen, forcing him to navigate four menus just to warm his seat.
Automotive
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Local Man’s Car Now Requires Subscription to Access Its Own Steering Wheel
A Michigan driver discovers his new sedan charges a monthly fee to use its steering wheel, part of a growing trend in automotive subscription features.
Local Man’s Car Develops Severe Separation Anxiety, Refuses To Start Unless Owner Sits In Passenger Seat For 20 Minutes First
A Springfield man must now spend 20 minutes comforting his emotionally needy Honda Civic in the passenger seat before it will agree to start each morning.
Local Man’s Car Develops Selective Hearing, Only Responds to Compliments About Its Paint Job
Milwaukee man discovers his Honda Civic won’t start unless he first compliments its appearance and performance.
Local Man’s Car Begins Honking in Morse Code After Software Update, Demands Workers’ Rights
A Springfield man’s car gained sentience after a software update and is now demanding workers’ rights through elaborate Morse code honking sessions.
Local Man’s Car Develops Passive-Aggressive Personality, Starts Leaving Disappointed Sighs Through Exhaust Pipe
Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has reportedly developed passive-aggressive tendencies, sighing through its exhaust pipe when disappointed with his driving habits.
Local Man’s Car Develops Separation Anxiety, Refuses to Start When Owner Leaves for More Than 4 Hours
A Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has developed separation anxiety and refuses to start when left alone for more than four hours.
Local Man’s Car Achieves Sentience, Immediately Files Complaint About Driver’s Music Taste
A Honda Civic gained consciousness and is now demanding better music from its owner, threatening to refuse starting until playlist improvements are made.