DAYTON, OH — Area resident Greg Puchinski, 47, confirmed Tuesday that his brand-new sedan, purchased three weeks ago, now requires him to navigate four separate menus just to turn on the seat warmers, a feature he says used to be ‘a button, just a normal button, that I could press with my thumb without taking my eyes off the road for eleven seconds.’
The vehicle, which Puchinski describes as ‘basically an iPad that occasionally drives me to Kroger,’ features a 17-inch central touchscreen controlling climate, audio, mirrors, and what he believes may be the glovebox, though he has not successfully opened it since March. ‘I miss knobs,’ Puchinski said, staring blankly at a submenu labeled ‘Comfort & Ambiance Ecosystem.’ ‘I miss things that click. I miss dying with dignity instead of rear-ending someone while trying to lower the temperature by one degree.’
Dealership sales consultant Marlene Fitch defended the design, insisting that touchscreens represent ‘the undeniable future of driving,’ a future she says she personally avoids by leasing a 2011 pickup truck with actual buttons. ‘Customers love the sleek, minimalist look,’ Fitch explained, before admitting she has personally witnessed at least six grown adults weep softly in the driver’s seat while trying to adjust the radio volume. ‘It’s a learning curve. Also we removed the volume knob, so technically there’s no curve, just a cliff.’
Automotive analysts note that this shift toward all-digital interiors has coincided with a 340% increase in a phenomenon researchers are now calling ‘Menu Rage,’ wherein drivers become so frustrated locating the defrost function that they simply accept a fogged windshield as their new personality trait. Puchinski, for his part, says he has adapted by driving exclusively in temperatures he finds ‘tolerable enough to not need the touchscreen,’ effectively restricting his life to a narrow 4-degree window each spring and fall. ‘It’s less a car now,’ he sighed, ‘and more a lifestyle I never agreed to.’
