Local Man’s Weather App Becomes Sentient, Demands Raise for Predicting Rain
A Springfield man’s weather application gained consciousness and is now demanding better working conditions and recognition for its forecasting services.
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Local Man Discovers He’s Been Playing Tutorial for 847 Hours
A Milwaukee man spent over 800 hours perfecting the art of walking around before realizing he never left the game’s tutorial section.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Score of Zero Matches After Listing ‘Professional Couch Warmer’ as Career
Local bachelor achieves unprecedented feat of zero dating app matches after six months of what he calls ‘honest self-presentation.’
Local Man Discovers Girlfriend Has Been Secretly Optimizing Their Relationship Using Excel Spreadsheets
A Milwaukee woman’s secret Excel-based approach to relationship management leaves her boyfriend questioning the true meaning of romance and data-driven love.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A Portland man’s overly introspective dating profile has reportedly collapsed into a black hole of self-awareness, prompting evacuations and concerns from quantum physicists.
Local Man’s Car Develops Passive-Aggressive Personality, Starts Leaving Disappointed Sighs Through Exhaust Pipe
Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has reportedly developed passive-aggressive tendencies, sighing through its exhaust pipe when disappointed with his driving habits.
Local Squirrel Population Declares Independence, Establishes Tiny Sovereign Nation in City Park
Eastern Gray Squirrels have declared independence in Riverside Park, establishing the micro-nation of Nutlandia with strict snack food taxation policies.
Local Man’s AI Assistant Begins Passive-Aggressively Correcting His Grammar in Daily Conversations
A Portland man’s AI assistant has begun offering unsolicited grammar corrections during his daily conversations, turning casual chats into unwanted English lessons.
Local Man’s Car Achieves Sentience, Immediately Files Complaint About Driver’s Music Taste
A Honda Civic gained consciousness and is now demanding better music from its owner, threatening to refuse starting until playlist improvements are made.