MILLFIELD COUNTY — Harvest season has come to a grinding halt at Sunshine Acres Farm after the property’s organic vegetables developed what owner Janet Mills describes as “an insufferable superiority complex” that has made them completely uncooperative during collection efforts.
The trouble began three weeks ago when farmhands noticed the heritage tomatoes had started refusing to be picked by anyone without a college degree in sustainable agriculture. The situation escalated when the heirloom carrots began demanding to see the certifications of potential buyers, and the artisanal kale started insisting on being addressed by its full Latin name during all interactions.
“Yesterday, I watched a butternut squash literally roll away from a customer because they pronounced ‘quinoa’ wrong,” said head farmhand Roberto Martinez. “The Brussels sprouts have formed some kind of union and are now requiring written guarantees that they’ll only be served at restaurants with at least a 4.5-star Yelp rating.”
Mills confirmed that the farm’s prized purple cauliflower has been particularly difficult, reportedly scoffing at potential purchasers who arrive in vehicles that aren’t hybrids and dismissing anyone who admits to shopping at conventional grocery stores. The situation reached a breaking point when the organic spinach began conducting impromptu lectures on soil mineralization to confused customers at the weekend farmer’s market.
“We’re considering switching back to regular pesticides,” Mills sighed. “At least the non-organic vegetables knew their place.”