What began as a simple weekend kitchen renovation has transformed into a multi-year archaeological dig through home improvement incompetence, according to sources close to area resident Derek Maplewood. The 34-year-old accountant’s modest plan to replace his kitchen cabinet doors has evolved into what neighbors describe as ‘a monument to human hubris’ and ‘that eyesore next door.’
Maplewood’s kitchen currently features a bewildering array of mismatched hardware, three different wood stains applied in no discernible pattern, and cabinet openings that have been mysteriously widened and narrowed multiple times. The original cabinet doors were removed in September 2021 and have since achieved legendary status among local wildlife, serving as luxury condominiums for a family of raccoons in Maplewood’s backyard.
‘Derek keeps saying he’s almost done, but last week I saw him trying to measure a door frame with a piece of string,’ said neighbor Patricia Hendricks, who has been documenting the project’s progress through her kitchen window. ‘He’s gone through four different drill bits, two circular saws, and what I can only assume was his sanity sometime around Christmas of 2022.’
Maplewood remains optimistic about the project’s completion, recently announcing plans to tackle the bathroom next. His wife has reportedly begun researching divorce lawyers and tiny homes in equal measure.
