DENVER — After 14 years of dutifully trudging through cathedrals, museums, and ‘charming cobblestone districts’ on every vacation, area man Greg Instantly experienced a wave of profound relief this week upon confessing to his wife that he does not, in fact, care about the historical significance of anything.
The revelation reportedly occurred on day four of a trip to Lisbon, as Instantly stood in front of a 16th-century monastery pretending to read a plaque while secretly calculating how many hours remained until dinner. ‘I just looked at the tile work and felt nothing,’ Instantly said. ‘Not one thing. And then I realized — I’ve felt nothing this whole time. Every trip. Every monument. I just wanted to sit by a pool with a beer the size of my forearm.’
His wife, Danielle Instantly, said she had suspected the truth for years but assumed her husband’s habit of falling asleep in guided tours was simply ‘cultural exhaustion.’ ‘He told me the Colosseum was ‘fine’ and then asked if the hotel had a lazy river,’ she recalled. ‘I should have known then.’ The couple has since renegotiated their travel philosophy, agreeing that future vacations will consist of one mandatory landmark photo, taken quickly, followed by 96 consecutive hours of resort-based inactivity.
Travel psychologist Dr. Marlene Petrosky says Greg’s awakening is part of a growing trend she calls ‘tourism nihilism,’ in which travelers abandon the pretense of self-improvement through culture and embrace their true desire to eat a sandwich somewhere warm. ‘People spend thousands of dollars performing enrichment for their Instagram followers,’ Petrosky said. ‘Greg is a pioneer. He’s chosen honesty. He’s chosen the lazy river.’
As of press time, Instantly was reportedly already planning next year’s trip: five nights in Cancún, zero museums, and what he describes as ‘an aggressive itinerary of doing absolutely nothing on purpose.’
