Local Woman Achieves Inner Peace After Realizing Nobody Actually Reads Captions
A local woman discovers her heartfelt Instagram captions have been read by literally no one, and finds the news strangely liberating.
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Local Tourist Discovers Vacation Enjoyment Directly Proportional to Number of Photos Taken
Marketing coordinator documents every moment of four-day resort stay, achieving maximum vacation satisfaction through lens-based experience.
Local Woman’s Instagram Story Views Drop by Three, Declares Social Media ‘Dead to Her’
A Portland woman has sworn off social media forever after experiencing a catastrophic three-person drop in her Instagram story viewership.
Local Woman Discovers She Can Experience Emotions Without Immediately Posting About Them
A local woman shocks her social circle by experiencing a full day of emotions without posting any of them online.
Local Tourist Discovers Vacation More Enjoyable When Not Documenting Every Second for Social Media
A tourist accidentally discovered the joy of experiencing a vacation without constantly photographing it for social media.
Local Woman’s Bathroom Mirror Reportedly Feeling Inadequate After Being Bypassed for 847th Selfie This Week
A bathroom mirror struggles with feelings of inadequacy as its owner chooses smartphone selfies over traditional reflection-based photography for the 847th time this week.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A man’s overly complex dating profile bio has become so self-aware that scientists fear it may collapse into a singularity of existential dread.
Local Woman Discovers She’s Been Living Entire Life Wrong After Seeing Stranger’s Morning Routine on TikTok
A local woman has completely overhauled her lifestyle after a brief encounter with someone else’s curated morning routine on social media.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Score of Zero Matches After Listing ‘Professional Couch Warmer’ as Career
Local bachelor achieves unprecedented feat of zero dating app matches after six months of what he calls ‘honest self-presentation.’
Local Man’s Dating Profile Achieves Perfect Balance of Generic Hobbies and Manufactured Vulnerability
Area man spends 400 hours perfecting dating profile that expertly balances generic interests with calculated vulnerability to achieve maximum algorithmic appeal.
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