PORTLAND, OR — In what relationship experts are calling a groundbreaking moment in online dating history, 32-year-old software developer Marcus Wellington created a completely truthful dating profile last Tuesday, resulting in an unprecedented drought of romantic interest that has left scientists baffled.
Wellington’s revolutionary profile abandons traditional dating app embellishments in favor of stark honesty, including phrases like “enjoys rewatching The Office for the 47th time,” “considers cereal a legitimate dinner option,” and “has cried during at least three Pixar movies this month.” His photos showcase him in his natural habitat: slightly hunched over a computer, wearing the same hoodie he’s owned since college, with what he describes as “resting software face.”
“I thought maybe authenticity would be refreshing,” Wellington explained while reorganizing his extensive collection of charging cables. “Turns out people aren’t really looking for someone who admits their biggest accomplishment this year was finally beating that boss in Dark Souls after 127 attempts.”
Dr. Sarah Chen, a behavioral psychologist at the Institute for Modern Romance, called Wellington’s approach “both admirable and commercially suicidal.” She noted that his honest admission of being “moderately lactose intolerant but refusing to give up cheese” may have been the final nail in his dating coffin. Wellington’s profile has since been studied by researchers as the first documented case of someone actually answering “What are you looking for?” with “I don’t know, maybe someone who won’t judge me for eating pizza with ranch dressing.”
