SPRINGFIELD — After decades of cold, clinical weather reporting, Channel 7 meteorologist Janet Weatherby made a groundbreaking discovery this week when she realized that atmospheric phenomena possess complex emotional lives and have been deeply hurt by years of casual dismissal and blame from humans.
The revelation came during Tuesday’s severe thunderstorm coverage, when Weatherby claims she heard what sounded like sobbing between thunder claps. “I initially thought it was feedback from my microphone, but then I realized the storm was actually crying because everyone keeps saying things like ‘this weather sucks’ and ‘I hate rain,'” Weatherby explained during a press conference held inside the station’s supply closet to avoid offending a nearby cumulus cloud.
Weatherby has since issued formal apologies to several weather systems, including a high-pressure system she once described as “boring” and a blizzard from 2019 that she called “unnecessarily dramatic.” She now refers to all weather patterns by their preferred pronouns and has started therapy sessions for a particularly sensitive fog bank that has been struggling with self-esteem issues.
“We need to start treating weather with the respect and dignity it deserves,” said Dr. Marcus Nimbus, a newly certified Weather Emotional Support Specialist. “That tornado last month wasn’t being destructive—it was just having a really bad day and needed someone to listen.” The National Weather Service has announced plans to hire a team of meteorological therapists and is considering renaming severe weather warnings to “atmospheric wellness alerts.”
