Scientists Discover Procrastination Is Actually Just Time Travel in the Wrong Direction
A new study reveals that procrastination isn’t laziness — it’s a broken form of time travel that only moves people backward into repeated anxiety loops.
psychology
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Scientists Discover Human Attention Span Now Shorter Than Time It Takes To Read Headline
A new study finds the human attention span has shrunk so dramatically that researchers couldn’t finish the experiment without participants wandering off.
Local Woman Discovers She Can Experience Emotions Without Immediately Posting About Them
A local woman shocks her social circle by experiencing a full day of emotions without posting any of them online.
Local Man’s Car Develops Severe Separation Anxiety, Refuses To Start Unless Owner Sits In Passenger Seat For 20 Minutes First
A Springfield man must now spend 20 minutes comforting his emotionally needy Honda Civic in the passenger seat before it will agree to start each morning.
Local Man’s Car Develops Selective Hearing, Only Responds to Compliments About Its Paint Job
Milwaukee man discovers his Honda Civic won’t start unless he first compliments its appearance and performance.
Local Man’s Car Develops Passive-Aggressive Personality, Starts Leaving Disappointed Sighs Through Exhaust Pipe
Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has reportedly developed passive-aggressive tendencies, sighing through its exhaust pipe when disappointed with his driving habits.
Local Company’s Team-Building Exercise Results in Discovery of New Phobia of Trust Falls Among 87% of Employees
A corporate team-building retreat inadvertently creates a new workplace phobia when 87% of employees develop an acute fear of trust falls.
Local Man’s Car Develops Separation Anxiety, Refuses to Start When Owner Leaves for More Than 4 Hours
A Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has developed separation anxiety and refuses to start when left alone for more than four hours.
Local Meteorologist Discovers Weather Actually Has Feelings, Issues Formal Apology to Tuesday’s Thunderstorm
A local meteorologist discovers that weather systems have feelings and begins providing emotional support to hurt atmospheric phenomena.