Scientists Discover Human Attention Span Now Shorter Than Time It Takes To Read Headline
A new study finds the human attention span has shrunk so dramatically that researchers couldn’t finish the experiment without participants wandering off.
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NASA Scientists Discover Universe’s First Intergalactic Lost and Found, Currently Holding 47 Billion Missing Socks
NASA discovers a massive intergalactic lost and found facility that has been collecting the universe’s missing items, including billions of socks, for over 13 billion years.
Local Man’s Attempt to Follow Recipe Results in Discovery of New State of Matter
A Springfield man’s cooking mishap has accidentally created a new state of matter that physicists say challenges the fundamental laws of physics.
Local Scientists Discover That Laboratory Mice Have Been Running Elaborate Ponzi Scheme for Decades
Scientists have uncovered a decades-long financial fraud scheme operated by laboratory mice, complete with promises of premium nesting materials and exclusive exercise wheel access.
Local Man’s Fantasy Football Team So Bad It Retroactively Makes Past Seasons Worse
A Colorado man’s fantasy football team is performing so poorly that it’s retroactively making his past seasons worse through what scientists are calling a “temporal fantasy failure paradox.”
Local Physicist Discovers Universe Actually Just Really Big Snow Globe on God’s Mantelpiece
Physicist claims groundbreaking research proves our entire universe exists inside a massive snow globe on God’s mantelpiece, complete with cosmic glitter and divine fingerprints.
Local Man’s Sneeze Accidentally Triggers Three-Day Thunderstorm, Meteorologists Baffled
A Cedar Falls man’s powerful sneeze has created a persistent thunderstorm that follows him wherever he goes, leaving meteorologists scratching their heads.
Local Meteorologist Discovers Weather Actually Has Feelings, Issues Formal Apology to Tuesday’s Thunderstorm
A local meteorologist discovers that weather systems have feelings and begins providing emotional support to hurt atmospheric phenomena.