Dr. Margaret Whitfield of the Riverside Institute for Theoretical Physics announced yesterday that her groundbreaking research has conclusively proven the universe is contained within an enormous snow globe, currently sitting on what she describes as “a divine mantelpiece of cosmic proportions.”
The discovery came after Whitfield noticed suspicious gravitational anomalies that could only be explained by the presence of fake plastic snow particles and a giant cork stopper at the edge of observable space. “The evidence was right there all along,” Whitfield explained during a press conference held in her laboratory’s broom closet. “Dark matter? That’s just the residual glitter from when the Almighty gave us a good shake back in the Big Bang.”
Whitfield’s research team has also identified what they believe to be tiny fingerprints on several distant galaxies, suggesting the universe receives regular handling. “We estimate the last major shake occurred around 65 million years ago, which coincidentally aligns with the extinction of the dinosaurs,” noted research assistant Dr. Kevin Thornberry. “Apparently someone was showing off our little universe to houseguests.”
The Vatican has reportedly requested a private meeting with Dr. Whitfield, while several major snow globe manufacturers have seen their stock prices skyrocket overnight. NASA officials declined to comment, though sources report they have quietly begun designing spacecraft with better shock absorption systems.
