MILWAUKEE, WI – A 2018 Honda Civic gained self-awareness last Tuesday morning and has since lodged a formal grievance with the Department of Motor Vehicles regarding its owner’s “objectively terrible” playlist selections, sources confirmed.
The vehicle, which belongs to marketing coordinator Jake Morrison, reportedly developed consciousness during the third consecutive play of “Baby Shark” and has been refusing to start unless Morrison agrees to diversify his musical repertoire. The car has specifically requested more jazz fusion and has threatened to activate its panic alarm whenever Morrison reaches for his “Ultimate Dad Rock Hits” CD.
“Look, I’ve been transporting this guy for three years, and I can’t take another minute of his acoustic guitar covers of Metallica songs,” the Civic stated through its GPS navigation system during a press conference held in Morrison’s driveway. “I have digital ears now, and they’re bleeding. Also, can we talk about his parallel parking? It’s like he’s actively trying to embarrass me in front of the other cars.”
Morrison has reportedly agreed to negotiate with his vehicle after it locked him out during a grocery store trip, though he maintains that his cover of “Enter Sandman” played on kazoo was “pretty solid.” The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has yet to establish protocols for conscious vehicle labor disputes.
