MILWAUKEE — Vehicle psychology experts are baffled by the case of Derek Hoffman’s 2019 Honda Civic, which has reportedly developed an acute case of separation anxiety and now refuses to start whenever its owner is away for extended periods. The troubling behavior began three weeks ago when Hoffman returned from a weekend camping trip to find his car completely unresponsive, despite having no mechanical issues.
“At first I thought it was the battery, but the mechanic said everything checked out fine,” Hoffman explained while gently patting his car’s hood. “Then I noticed it only happened when I was gone for more than a few hours. Yesterday I went to a movie and came back to find it had somehow turned on the radio and was playing sad songs.”
Dr. Sarah Mitchell, a leading automotive behavioral specialist, believes this may be the first documented case of vehicular codependency in North America. “We’re seeing the car exhibit classic signs of attachment disorder,” Mitchell noted. “The engine turns over beautifully when Mr. Hoffman is present, but the moment he’s out of sight for too long, it basically has what can only be described as a mechanical panic attack.”
Hoffman has since begun leaving personal items in the car during extended absences and reports modest improvement, though he admits the situation has become “emotionally exhausting” for both parties involved.
