Local Tree Reportedly Tired of Being Hugged by Strangers, Files Restraining Order
A centuries-old oak tree seeks legal protection from constant embraces by strangers who mistake it for a therapy session.
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Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A Portland man’s overly introspective dating profile has reportedly collapsed into a black hole of self-awareness, prompting evacuations and concerns from quantum physicists.
Local Scientists Discover That Laboratory Mice Have Been Running Elaborate Ponzi Scheme for Decades
Scientists have uncovered a decades-long financial fraud scheme operated by laboratory mice, complete with promises of premium nesting materials and exclusive exercise wheel access.
Local Tourist Discovers Vacation More Enjoyable When Not Documenting Every Second for Social Media
A tourist’s dead phone battery leads to the shocking revelation that vacations can be enjoyed without constant documentation.
Local Man’s Car Develops Passive-Aggressive Personality, Starts Leaving Disappointed Sighs Through Exhaust Pipe
Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has reportedly developed passive-aggressive tendencies, sighing through its exhaust pipe when disappointed with his driving habits.
Local Woman’s Instagram Story About Making Coffee Receives More Engagement Than Most Presidential Addresses
A woman’s simple Instagram story about making morning coffee has attracted more viewers than most major news broadcasts, launching her to unexpected internet stardom.
Local Company’s Team-Building Exercise Results in Discovery of New Phobia of Trust Falls Among 87% of Employees
A corporate team-building retreat inadvertently creates a new workplace phobia when 87% of employees develop an acute fear of trust falls.
Local Man’s Car Develops Separation Anxiety, Refuses to Start When Owner Leaves for More Than 4 Hours
A Milwaukee man’s Honda Civic has developed separation anxiety and refuses to start when left alone for more than four hours.
Local Museum’s New Interactive Exhibit Allows Visitors to Actually Touch Art, Immediately Regrets Decision
A museum’s attempt to make art more accessible backfires spectacularly when visitors take “interactive” a bit too literally.
Local Woman’s Instagram Story Views Drop to 47, Emergency Therapy Session Scheduled
A Portland woman faces an existential crisis after her Instagram story views plummet to a devastating 47, prompting immediate professional intervention.