Local Woman’s Morning Routine Now Takes 4 Hours After Discovering 47th Wellness Trend
A Denver woman’s quest for optimal health has resulted in a morning routine that now consumes nearly a quarter of her day.
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Local Woman’s Bathroom Mirror Reportedly Feeling Inadequate After Being Bypassed for 847th Selfie This Week
A bathroom mirror struggles with feelings of inadequacy as its owner chooses smartphone selfies over traditional reflection-based photography for the 847th time this week.
Local Tourist Discovers Vacation Destination Exists Year-Round, Residents Confirm They Don’t Hibernate During Off-Season
A tourist’s mind-blowing discovery that vacation destinations continue to exist when he’s not there has sent shockwaves through the travel industry.
Local Museum’s New Interactive Exhibit Allows Visitors to Dramatically Misinterpret Art in Real Time
A new museum exhibit uses technology to showcase visitors’ hilariously incorrect interpretations of famous artworks.
Local Man’s Car Develops Severe Separation Anxiety, Refuses To Start Unless Owner Sits In Passenger Seat For 20 Minutes First
A Springfield man must now spend 20 minutes comforting his emotionally needy Honda Civic in the passenger seat before it will agree to start each morning.
Local Man’s Weather App Becomes Sentient, Demands Raise for Predicting Rain
A Springfield man’s weather application gained consciousness and is now demanding better working conditions and recognition for its forecasting services.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Bio Reaches Critical Mass, Collapses Into Black Hole of Self-Awareness
A man’s overly complex dating profile bio has become so self-aware that scientists fear it may collapse into a singularity of existential dread.
Local Man Discovers He’s Been Playing Tutorial for 847 Hours
A Milwaukee man spent over 800 hours perfecting the art of walking around before realizing he never left the game’s tutorial section.
Local Man Discovers Trees Have Been Growing Without Permits for Decades
An amateur building inspector’s discovery that local trees lack proper construction permits has sparked a county-wide investigation into decades of unauthorized botanical development.
Local Man’s Fantasy Football Team So Bad It Retroactively Loses Games From Previous Seasons
Mark Thompson’s fantasy football team is so catastrophically bad that it has begun retroactively losing games from previous seasons, baffling league officials and sports mathematicians alike.