DENVER, CO — In what sports analysts are calling a “statistically impossible feat of athletic futility,” local insurance adjuster Mark Thompson’s fantasy football team has begun losing games from seasons that have already concluded, sources confirmed Tuesday.
The phenomenon, first noticed by league commissioner Sarah Chen during routine record-keeping, shows Thompson’s team, “The Mediocre Maulers,” somehow posting negative point totals that have caused previous victories to transform into defeats. League historians report that Thompson’s 2019 championship win has mysteriously vanished from the trophy case, replaced by a participation ribbon that appears to be slowly dissolving.
“I’ve been running fantasy leagues for fifteen years, and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Patricia Williams, a professor of Applied Sports Mathematics at Metro State University. “Mark’s current roster is so fundamentally broken that it’s creating some kind of temporal feedback loop. His quarterback threw three interceptions yesterday, but somehow one of them landed in 2021 and cost him a playoff berth he had already earned.”
Thompson, reached for comment while staring blankly at his computer screen, reported that his team’s performance has become so poor that his fantasy app now displays his win-loss record in scientific notation. League officials are considering implementing new rules to prevent further damage to the space-time continuum, including a proposed “mercy relegation” to a parallel universe where all players are equally terrible.
