BOZEMAN, MT — Area resident Kyle Pemberton has reportedly achieved what wellness experts are calling ‘an unprecedented state of optimal health’ after quitting all forms of self-improvement six months ago, including his $340-a-month supplement regimen, cold plunge subscription, and biannual juice cleanses. Doctors are stumped, colleagues are suspicious, and Pemberton himself just seems really, really relaxed.
“I stopped tracking my sleep, stopped weighing my food, and I definitely stopped doing that thing where you breathe through one nostril to align your chakras,” Pemberton explained while eating a gas station hot dog without a hint of guilt. “Honestly, I just started napping when I was tired and eating when I was hungry. It’s been kind of a nightmare for my Instagram, but great for my cortisol levels, apparently.”
Wellness influencer and certified ‘Bio-Optimization Strategist’ Larkspur Wenn says Pemberton’s case has sent shockwaves through the industry. “We’ve built an entire economy on the idea that the human body is a malfunctioning machine that requires 14 targeted interventions before 9 a.m.,” Wenn said. “Kyle is out here suggesting that maybe bodies just… work? If that catches on, I genuinely don’t know what happens to my $12,000 infrared sauna blanket line.”
Local gyms have reportedly begun monitoring Pemberton as a potential threat to membership retention, and at least three wellness apps have sent him free trials in hopes of ‘getting him back into the funnel.’ Meanwhile, Pemberton’s cholesterol, blood pressure, and general demeanor have all improved dramatically, a fact that health experts are calling ‘deeply inconvenient’ and ‘kind of annoying, if we’re honest.’
At press time, Pemberton was reportedly considering writing a book about his lifestyle, tentatively titled ‘The Do-Nothing Method,’ though he admitted he probably wouldn’t get around to it.
