Researchers at the Bramblewood Institute for Aquatic Studies announced Tuesday that they have successfully taught a common carp to read basic English, a breakthrough that took a grim turn once the fish reached chapter three of a beginner’s finance textbook left near its tank by accident.
Dr. Miriam Castellanos, lead researcher on the project, said the fish, now named Gerald, had shown remarkable comprehension skills, correctly identifying words like ‘food’ and ‘tank’ before advancing to more complex material. “We were thrilled when Gerald pointed his fin at the word ‘pellet’ and then at his food dish,” said Castellanos. “We were less thrilled three weeks later when he started refusing to eat until we explained capital gains tax to him.”
According to lab notes, Gerald has since stopped participating in routine experiments and instead spends most of his time floating motionlessly near the glass, occasionally bumping his head against a laminated printout of a 1040 form that staff say he specifically requested. Junior researcher Todd Whitfield described the mood in the lab as “tense,” noting that Gerald once swam in a tight, agitated circle for eleven minutes after learning what an escrow account was. “Honestly, I think we opened a door we can’t close,” Whitfield said. “Yesterday he tapped the glass twice, which our whiteboard code says means ‘audit.'”
The Institute has since paused the literacy program indefinitely and brought in a marine behavioral therapist to help Gerald “process his newfound understanding of adult responsibilities.” Castellanos remains optimistic about the field’s future, however, stating that the team’s next goal is teaching a lobster basic algebra, though she admits they will be withholding all information about mortgages “for the creature’s own good.”
