DENVER, CO — According to quantum physicists at the University of Colorado, the catastrophically poor performance of local accountant Derek Wimsley’s fantasy football team has somehow managed to travel backwards through time, making his previously mediocre seasons from 2019-2022 statistically worse than they were when they originally occurred.
The phenomenon, dubbed “Temporal Fantasy Failure” by researchers, was first noticed when Wimsley’s 2021 season record mysteriously changed from 6-8 to 4-10 in all official league documents. His 2020 championship trophy has reportedly begun flickering in and out of existence on his mantelpiece, much like a dying lightbulb.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Marina Clockwell, Professor of Applied Temporal Sports Analytics. “Derek’s current roster is so fundamentally broken that it’s creating a paradox in the space-time continuum. His decision to start three players who are currently on injured reserve has somehow convinced the universe that he never made good decisions to begin with.”
Wimsley, whose team “Derek’s Decent Dudes” currently sits at 0-12 with negative points, remains optimistic about his playoff chances. League commissioners are reportedly considering relocating him to a separate timeline where his team can lose without affecting the structural integrity of reality itself.
