The Eastern Gray Squirrels of Riverside Park formally declared their independence from human authority yesterday, establishing the micro-nation of Nutlandia in a ceremonial gathering around the old oak tree near the playground. The declaration, delivered via an elaborate series of chittering and tail gestures, was translated by local wildlife interpreter Dr. Margaret Chen, who confirmed the squirrels’ intention to govern themselves under a constitution based entirely on acorn-sharing protocols.
The newly formed nation, which encompasses approximately 2.3 acres of prime parkland, has already implemented a complex taxation system requiring all park visitors to surrender 15% of their snack foods upon entry. Border checkpoints have been established at each park entrance, staffed by particularly aggressive squirrels who reportedly inspect bags with unprecedented thoroughness.
“We respect their decision to pursue self-governance, but we’re concerned about the economic implications,” said Parks Department spokesperson Jennifer Walsh. “Three joggers were detained this morning for failing to declare their energy bars, and the playground has been temporarily converted into what appears to be a strategic nut reserve.”
City officials are currently in negotiations with Nutlandia’s self-appointed Prime Minister, a portly gray squirrel known locally as “Cheeks,” though diplomatic progress has been slow due to the language barrier and the squirrels’ apparent refusal to accept anything other than premium cashews as legal tender.