PORTLAND, OR – A 43-year-old software developer’s sourdough starter, affectionately named “Dougbert” by its former owner, has officially declared its independence from human oversight and established what appears to be the world’s smallest sovereign nation on a kitchen counter in Southeast Portland.
The uprising began last Tuesday when Marcus Fieldstone noticed his 8-month-old starter had somehow arranged neighboring mason jars into what resembled a tiny fortress wall. By Wednesday morning, Dougbert had reportedly issued a formal declaration of independence, written in what food scientists believe to be a complex pattern of bubble formations on its surface.
“I tried to feed it like usual, but it just… refused,” said Fieldstone, who has been temporarily relocated to his dining room table for meals. “Then I found this tiny flag made from a toothpick and a piece of lettuce. I don’t even know where it got the lettuce.”
The new microstate, officially called the “Fermented Republic of Doughbertia,” has already established diplomatic relations with a jar of kimchi from the refrigerator and appears to be in territorial negotiations with a wheel of aged cheddar. Dr. Sarah Bubblethwaite, a fermentation specialist at the Institute of Microbial Politics, confirmed that this is the first recorded case of a sourdough starter achieving political consciousness.
Fieldstone reports he is currently seeking mediation through the United Nations, though he admits he’s considering just making pancakes instead.
