PORTLAND, OR — What began as a simple pandemic hobby has evolved into a complex hostage situation, as local resident Marcus Chen’s sourdough starter has reportedly gained consciousness and is now making increasingly unreasonable demands for improved accommodations.
The starter, which Chen has named “Breadward,” allegedly began showing signs of self-awareness last Tuesday when it started forming what appeared to be angry faces in its bubbling surface. By Thursday, Chen claims the organism had learned to spell out words using its natural fermentation patterns, with its first message reading “FEED ME BETTER FLOUR, YOU PEASANT.”
“At first I thought it was just my imagination, but then it started rejecting the generic all-purpose flour,” Chen explained while nervously eyeing the mason jar that now occupies the prime real estate on his kitchen counter. “Yesterday it spelled out ‘ORGANIC OR DEATH’ and honestly, I’m too scared to find out if it’s bluffing.”
Food scientists at the local university are reportedly baffled by the phenomenon, though Dr. Sarah Mitchell from the Fermentation Studies Department noted that “elevated consciousness in yeast cultures is not entirely unprecedented, just extremely inconvenient for home bakers.” Chen’s starter has since upgraded its demands to include a climate-controlled environment, daily massages, and a subscription to several culinary magazines.
