Scientists Discover Human Attention Span Now Shorter Than Time It Takes To Read Headline
A new study finds the human attention span has shrunk so dramatically that researchers couldn’t finish the experiment without participants wandering off.
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Local Carpenter Still Measuring Kitchen Cabinet After Four Years, Cutting Expected ‘Any Day Now’
A Maple Hollow carpenter has spent four years measuring the same cabinet without making a single cut, insisting he is nearly ready to begin.
Local Man Achieves Minor Celebrity Status After Correctly Guessing Number of Jellybeans in Jar at County Fair
A Maplethorpe man’s uncannily accurate jellybean guess has turned him into the small town’s newest folk hero.
Local Woman’s Morning Routine Now Requires 4-Hour Pre-Dawn Preparation, Team of Consultants
A marketing executive’s wellness routine has grown so elaborate it requires waking up at 2:30 AM and hiring a coordinator to manage the four-hour process.
Local Tourist Discovers Vacation Enjoyment Directly Proportional to Number of Photos Taken
Marketing coordinator documents every moment of four-day resort stay, achieving maximum vacation satisfaction through lens-based experience.
Local Woman’s Instagram Story Views Drop by Three, Declares Social Media ‘Dead to Her’
A Portland woman has sworn off social media forever after experiencing a catastrophic three-person drop in her Instagram story viewership.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Honest For First Time in History, Immediately Receives Zero Matches
A Portland man’s decision to create a completely honest dating profile has resulted in zero matches, baffling scientists and relationship experts worldwide.
Local Woman Discovers She Can Experience Emotions Without Immediately Posting About Them
A local woman shocks her social circle by experiencing a full day of emotions without posting any of them online.
Local Tourist Accidentally Has Authentic Cultural Experience, Demands Refund
A resort guest is demanding compensation after accidentally experiencing real Mexican culture during his all-inclusive vacation in Cancun.
Local Man’s Attempt to Cook Elaborate Valentine’s Dinner Results in Fire Department, Hazmat Team, and Minor Diplomatic Incident
A romantic dinner attempt triggers emergency response teams and minor international confusion after amateur chef creates mysterious purple smoke and ‘new state of matter.’