Local School District Replaces All Homework With ‘Vibes-Based’ Grading System
A local school district ditches homework for a new grading system based entirely on students’ ‘vibes’ and hallway presence.
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Local Woman Achieves Inner Peace After Realizing Nobody Actually Reads Captions
A local woman discovers her heartfelt Instagram captions have been read by literally no one, and finds the news strangely liberating.
Scientists Discover Human Attention Span Now Shorter Than Time It Takes To Read Headline
A new study finds the human attention span has shrunk so dramatically that researchers couldn’t finish the experiment without participants wandering off.
Local Carpenter Still Measuring Kitchen Cabinet After Four Years, Cutting Expected ‘Any Day Now’
A Maple Hollow carpenter has spent four years measuring the same cabinet without making a single cut, insisting he is nearly ready to begin.
Local Man Achieves Minor Celebrity Status After Correctly Guessing Number of Jellybeans in Jar at County Fair
A Maplethorpe man’s uncannily accurate jellybean guess has turned him into the small town’s newest folk hero.
Local Woman’s Morning Routine Now Requires 4-Hour Pre-Dawn Preparation, Team of Consultants
A marketing executive’s wellness routine has grown so elaborate it requires waking up at 2:30 AM and hiring a coordinator to manage the four-hour process.
Local Tourist Discovers Vacation Enjoyment Directly Proportional to Number of Photos Taken
Marketing coordinator documents every moment of four-day resort stay, achieving maximum vacation satisfaction through lens-based experience.
Local Woman’s Instagram Story Views Drop by Three, Declares Social Media ‘Dead to Her’
A Portland woman has sworn off social media forever after experiencing a catastrophic three-person drop in her Instagram story viewership.
Local Man’s Dating Profile Honest For First Time in History, Immediately Receives Zero Matches
A Portland man’s decision to create a completely honest dating profile has resulted in zero matches, baffling scientists and relationship experts worldwide.
Local Woman Discovers She Can Experience Emotions Without Immediately Posting About Them
A local woman shocks her social circle by experiencing a full day of emotions without posting any of them online.