Local Man Finally Beats Final Boss, Immediately Forgets Why He Was Playing Game in First Place
A local man defeats a 214-hour video game’s final boss and instantly realizes he has no idea what the plot was about.
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Local Man Finally Beats Final Boss He’s Been Stuck On For Three Years, Immediately Forgets Why He Started Playing
A local man defeats a video game boss he’d been stuck on for three years, only to immediately forget the plot, the controls, and possibly his own name.
Dairy Farm Hires Full-Time Bovine Therapist After Herd Reports ‘Milk Anxiety’
A Midwest dairy farm has hired a full-time therapist for its cows after claiming low milk yields were linked to unresolved bovine emotional trauma.
Local Celebrity Hires Team of 14 to Help Him Appear Relatable on Social Media
A Hollywood actor has hired a 14-person team to help him seem more relatable online, including a specialist in casual typos and a consultant for ‘authentic’ coffee orders.
Local Man Demands Refund After Mars Vacation Turns Out to Be ‘Just Rocks’
A disappointed space tourist is demanding a refund after his Mars vacation package failed to deliver on promises of Martian nightlife and adventure.
Local Man’s Birdhouse Requires Load-Bearing Wall, Building Permit, Three Inspections
A weekend birdhouse project spirals into a multi-inspection construction saga complete with load-bearing walls and an HVAC system.
Local Man Discovers His $400 Jeans Have Been on Backwards for Six Months
A local man’s six-month fashion mistake raises uncomfortable questions about the true meaning of ‘directional denim.’
Local Squirrel Files Formal Complaint After Third Acorn Theft This Week, Demands Community Meeting
A neighborhood squirrel’s alleged acorn theft grievance escalates into what one birdwatcher calls a full-blown territorial dispute, complete with a spreadsheet and a hollow-log peace treaty.
Local Man Awarded Full Custody of Sourdough Starter in Bitter Divorce
A Springfield man wins full custody of his beloved sourdough starter in a divorce case legal experts call unprecedented.
Local Museum Adds Velvet Rope Around Bench So Visitors Stop Mistaking It For Art
A modern art museum discovers that visitors can no longer distinguish between actual exhibits and a bench meant for resting.